By Alison Potter, MSW, LICSW
As a parent, you may find yourself wondering if your child’s behavior is normal. This is especially true if you only have one child or you yourself were an only child and you don’t have anything to compare this behavior to. Or maybe this is your second child and your first never acted this way. So which behaviors are to be expected, and which ones are potentially cause for concern? And how does this impact discipline and correcting unwanted behaviors?
Let’s dive in!
Understanding Child Development and Effective Discipline
Children are constantly growing, learning, and changing, which means their behavior and needs evolve as they develop. Understanding what’s developmentally appropriate at each stage helps parents and caregivers respond with discipline and corrective strategies that nurture growth rather than frustrate both adult and child which could lead to a disconnected relationship and increased behavior issues.
Developmental Stages and Behavior
There are several major theories of development that address various stages in life. This post will use a blend of these theories to help you better understand your child and know if their behaviors are normal or cause for concern.
Newborn/Infants (0-12 months)
Jean Piaget (1896-1980) believed children from birth to two years were beginning to explore the world around them using their senses (touch, smell, taste, observing). A central aspect of his theory is the concept of object permanence which is when a child begins to understand that objects and people continue to exist even when they cannot see them. This is an important concept to understand as a parent as this can create either a secure or insecure attachment in the early years of development.
Erik Erikson believed this stage was vital for building trust as the infant learned to trust their caregiver to provide for their basic needs. Secure attachment (or trust) is built if needs are consistently met. Mistrust, or insecure attachment, occurs if needs are met inconsistently or there is neglect.
Infants communicate primarily through crying as they don’t have the words to express needs and feelings. They aren’t being “manipulative” when crying; they’re expressing genuine needs.
Toddlers (1-3 years)
This is a stage of exploration and independence. Toddlers find their voice and often say “no” as they test boundaries. Their limited language skills and big emotions can lead to tantrums when frustrated. This exploration isn’t misbehavior—it’s necessary development. They have little impulse control and struggle with sharing or waiting.
Piaget’s Perspective: Toddlers are still in the sensorimotor stage, developing object permanence and beginning symbolic thinking. They learn through active exploration and manipulation of their environment. Their “getting into everything” behavior is crucial for cognitive development as they discover cause and effect relationships.
Erikson’s Perspective: In line with secure attachment, if toddlers are provided a safe environment to explore and are encouraged to be self-sufficient, then they will develop a sense of autonomy. If a parent expresses anxiety or too much control over their child’s need to explore and become self-sufficient, this can create a deep sense of shame and insecurity in the child which will ultimately lead to self-doubt and a lack of resilience in the child.
Preschoolers (3-5 years)
Children at this stage are developing social skills but still working on self-regulation. They may interrupt conversations, have difficulty taking turns, or struggle with transitions. Their vivid imaginations sometimes blur the line between truth and fantasy, which isn’t lying but instead developmental imagination.
Piaget’s Perspective: Preschoolers enter the preoperational stage, characterized by symbolic thinking and language development. They engage in pretend play, which is crucial for cognitive development. Their “magical thinking” means they may believe their thoughts can influence reality, and they’re still learning to distinguish between fantasy and reality.
Erikson’s Perspective: If a child is encouraged to explore their environment, they will develop a sense of purpose, a healthy sense of self, and initiate tasks and social interactions with confidence. If a child is criticized or stopped for how they play or how they use their imagination, they may develop a low sense of self or approach life with a sense of shame or guilt.
School-age children (6-12 years)
This stage is full of productivity and fast development of academic and social skills, with an increased understanding of rules. They will also test boundaries in more sophisticated ways. They can better regulate emotions but still need guidance during conflicts and challenging situations.
Piaget’s Perspective: Children enter the concrete operational stage, developing logical thinking about concrete objects and situations. They can understand rules, classify objects, understand conservation (that quantity doesn’t change when appearance changes), and think more systematically. However, abstract thinking is still developing.
Erikson’s Perspective: If the caregiver provides support, positive feedback, and encouragement when they try something or succeed, the child should develop a sense of industry (a sense of accomplishment) and competence which will increase self-esteem. If they feel inadequate or struggle to face challenges with resilience, they may feel inferior and struggle with self-doubt.
Adolescence (13-17 years)
This is a stage of significant development and maturity cognitively, physically, and emotionally. During these years, teens move from concrete, logical thinking to abstract thinking and possibilities. Teens also appear self-focused as they work through maturity. Neurons are growing rapidly and making more connections during this time. This leads to more complex thought processes.
During this stage, thinking skills, reasoning skills, impulse control, creativity, problem-solving abilities, and decision-making skills rapidly develop. Teens are also more aware of their emotions and should begin to manage their emotions better. This is also a time of individuation which means separation from parents. This is healthy and normal. They may appear to be brooding, isolating, or disinterested. They will spend less time with family and more time with friends. They may also experience more anxiety and depression at this stage.
Piaget’s Perspective: Adolescents enter the formal operational stage, developing abstract thinking abilities. They can think hypothetically, consider multiple possibilities, and engage in complex reasoning about abstract concepts like justice, love, and morality. This new cognitive ability also leads to increased self-reflection and idealistic thinking.
Erikson’s Perspective: This stage focuses on identity vs. role confusion. Teens are actively exploring who they are, what they believe, and how they fit into society. Successful navigation of this stage leads to a strong sense of identity and direction. Failure to establish identity can result in role confusion and uncertainty about their place in society and relationships.
Normal vs. Difficult Childhood Behaviors: A Parent’s Guide
All children display challenging behaviors at times. The difference between typical developmental challenges and behaviors that might need intervention often comes down to frequency, intensity, duration, and impact on functioning.
Normal developmental behaviors:
Signs that may warrant attention:
Remember that development occurs at different rates. What’s concerning at one age may be perfectly normal at another.
Toddlers (1-3 years)
Normal toddler behaviors:
Behaviors that may need attention:
Practical tip: Toddlers need clear, consistent boundaries, predictable routines, limited choices, and positive reinforcement for desired behaviors.
Preschoolers (3-5 years)
Normal preschool behaviors:
Behaviors that may need attention:
Practical tip: Preschoolers benefit from clear explanations, social modeling, practice with emotional vocabulary, and opportunities to make appropriate choices and experience natural consequences.
School-Age Children (6-12 years)
Normal school-age behaviors:
Behaviors that may need attention:
Practical tip: School-age children need clear expectations with reasonable consequences, involvement in rule-setting, recognition of their growing independence, and adults who listen to their perspectives.
In Part 2, we’ll explore when and how to seek professional help, effective strategies for managing meltdowns, and positive discipline approaches that work with your child’s development.
July 25, 2025
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Alison Potter is a parent education consultant and consultant to therapists, based in Washington State.
hello@theparentingspecialist.com
425-537-7078
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